Interpersonal relationships can add a complex dynamic to one’s everyday life. As a man it is very easy to find peace in solitude for its consistency and freedom. However, that can be dangerous. I have suffered in the past with being too involved with my own growth and in love with my space, where I saw every additional person in my life as a threat to my routine. I believe I developed this avoidant behaviour in my childhood, where I would use alone time to decompress from issues outside or inside my home. I would sit in my room gaming alone away from feeling the obligation to socialize or ride my bike around the block, so I don’t have to talk.

It took some time to heal this side of me, and to allow people in. As I got older and struggled with loneliness, I realized my lack of friends and meaningful relationships was my own doing. And I made it a mission to step of my comfort zone and be more social especially in the workplace. And it did wonders for me that I speak of extensively in other blog articles of mine. What does stoicism have to do with all of this then?

Well, it is quite easy to be stoic when all you must worry about is yourself. You can stay disciplined with training, not letting a bad workday get to you. If your parents are angry with you, it is easy to be diplomatic. You can wake up early, eat by yourself and manage your finances. But the true test of your stoicism comes around when you have now developed relationships and are balancing responsibilities relevant to yourself and to others you love.

Stoicism emphasizes on focusing on what we can control and accepting what we cannot. Now, labels are unnecessary, you may think that stoicism is common sense. Although if you reflect on your daily emotions and reactions, you’ll notice how many of the negative ones are avoidable. We must have empathy, understanding and resilience when dealing with others we love in our life who are unaware of the calamities we face and the mental battles we endure. Hence why so many people spiral themselves into negative loopholes filled with negativity. If you cannot control something, then leave it be and do not dwell or stress on it. More importantly, don’t alter your emotional state because of it as this will in turn illicit negative reactions from yourself onto your loved ones when they don’t deserve it. I am guilty of this myself. In the past I would be angry due to being stuck in traffic, and someone after work will come to me with a legitimate query or concern. But because I am so flustered from the traffic jam my instant reaction and body language is negative, causing me and the other person unnecessary arguments and stress. All it takes is detachment from the source of your stress (traffic) and accepting it, then moving on with the day and the conversations in front of you.

Temperance and wisdom are key. This is what they call in stoicism the practice of virtue. Have gratitude as you move through the day viewing obstacles as opportunities for growth and learning. Rather than letting setbacks defeat you, let them build you. Block your day into parts and don’t take work home, and don’t take your personal life to work. Otherwise, you will stay stuck in the past and always have anxieties and worries for the future. Live in the present moment and let things happen, focus on what you can control and let the rest go by accepting it.

I cannot stress it enough how being in a default state of gratitude will solve majority of your problems. Bad day? Thankful I woke up today. Struggling financially? Thankful I ate today. Stuck in traffic? Thankful I have a job. Wife wants more time with me. Thankful I am loved. These may seem like common sense, to some they may seem corny, but it is a good start to cultivate and more positive attitude. If I tackle life with a victim mindset I am always going to feel bitter and ungrateful when I truly am not. I do not know everyone’s situation, but we can all make a conscious effort and set goals to do better. For some it may take longer than others, as long as you see yourself as a project worth investing in. The world is your reflection, and in stressful times, a positive attitude goes a much longer way than a negative one.

All the Best.

H