As the world becomes increasingly interconnected there’s more value added in society’s eyes on presence and prominence. Social media numbers shape some people’s realities and now more than ever there is a race among the majority to be known, to be seen. No society in history has shared this much of their life online for the visibility of others, and the issues this causes is hyper comparisons and dissatisfaction among many aspects of one’s life. That could tie back to the paradox of choice, but in an ideal world, most people desire to be liked, to be respected, to be regarded highly. I am here to tell you why that is problematic.

Authenticity is the backbone of your growth and development as an individual. If you thrive as an extrovert and social butterfly, then more power to you. But that is a separate discussion to trying to mitigate conflict and be likeable in all environments you operate in. It is not about introversion and loneliness; it is more geared towards being authentic. I am never above learning from anyone, everywhere I go I am a student. And I am big believer in the concept of there is something to learn from anybody. Before he passed away, Nipsey Hussle in an interview said, “Would you rather be at war with yourself and at peace with the world, or at peace with yourself and at war with the world?”.

Would you rather be at war with yourself and at peace with the world, or at peace with yourself and at war with the world?

Nipsey Hussle

Fear of conflict and being a yes man is a by-product of your childhood and your personality traits. And it can be a trap into your brain tricking you to being an agreeable person, to avoid conflicts and thus you may feel like the empath or the good guy at work, or training or in your social life. Reality is you are afraid of being yourself and saying what you truly think and feel, to avoid conflict, it is an avoidant response and personality trait. This in turn can result in emotional exhaustion due to you feeling unheard or smothered and can cause you to fall into a slow loss of self-identity.

Essentially speaking your mind and living your truth is the truest form of self-love. Seeking validation externally from others in hopes of them seeing you as soft and agreeable is draining. Mike Tyson once put this concept beautifully in an interview and finished off by saying, “The person that is friends with everybody is an enemy to himself”. It is kind of a defence mechanism and borderline self-hatred to try to be the likable person in every room you enter.

Sometimes when people appear like they’re loving people and they’re loving everybody else is because they don’t like themselves. I’ve learned this. The person that is friends with everybody is an enemy to himself.

Mike Tyson

There is no easy way out of the loop of negative self-talk and conceding who you are to avoid conflict and be likeable. But from someone who has done it, I can assure you the best way forward is assertiveness and self-love. Even when it feels unnatural, and you feel like you may hurt some feelings or ruffle some feathers, say what is on your mind. Life is too short to leave things unsaid and undone. Self-love is such a blanket statement that I kind of dislike using it often because its meaning has been diluted in contemporary times. In our era the meaning of self-love is often misconstrued or associated with the wrong things.

Self-love isn’t tunnel visioning on yourself, indulging in what makes you feel good and cutting people off everywhere you go. Self-love is at its forefront putting yourself first and letting your outside image reflect your internal thoughts and feelings. Do not let emotions steer the path for you but have the courage to speak your mind and practice positive self-talk. Often our mind plays tricks on us through triggers, negative emotions result in negative self-talk and a spiral of bad outcomes like self-sabotage and social anxiety. Understand the root cause of your suffering and make sure you shut down your triggers by occasional self-reflection and self-compassion.

Challenge these negative thoughts and be yourself. Have faith in who you are and the most important project which is you. Your mind has tricked you into thinking you are somehow less than, treating every room you enter like everyone is somehow doing better than you or above you in some way. Everyone is human with their own insecurities, struggles, dreams, setbacks, and life. Focus on your strengths and be yourself, and be assertive, and everything will fall into place. Nothing will happen, and in my opinion as you get more successful, you will have haters. Learn to accept it and be yourself and live with it. As long as you have your close circle there will always be enough love in your life. You do not need to lower yourself or lower your voice, inner or outer, just to be agreeable and accepted by others. I have a higher respect for everyone who is themselves, even the super extroverted annoying salesman, I respect his hustle and who he is.

All the Best.

H