Have you ever found yourself stuck in the middle of a shopping center after being stopped by those booths, listening to a salesperson’s monologue? Deep down knowing you are not going to buy anything but feeling too bad to just walk away? Well, that was me not too long ago.

If you’re guilty of people pleasing, like myself, do not stress you’re not alone. Be it due to introversion or extreme empathy or innocent naivety, you have probably ended many conversations thinking “Why did I even agree to that?”. Or sometimes forgetting what was even spoken about because you were just going with the flow or unsure how to end or steer the conversation.

Growing up I always preferred to dodge outings and stay home. Every family gathering, I would rather steer attention away from myself as much as possible or find one person I knew and latch onto them in social situations. As a teenager, my brain did not connect the dots as to why I preferred to game with my friends on a Friday night instead of going out. After all, I was athletic and played team sports, so I am not an anomaly, right? Boy was I so wrong, and it hit me when I started working. Approaching the end of my high school years, I would always get flustered when I was put on the spot or felt like the center of attention. One on one conversations became a chore, and I struggled to live in the moment because I was always worried about how people envisioned me rather than the experience at hand.

My first year of university was a disaster, I ended it with no new friends, no network, didn’t even build rapport with any teachers or tutors due to some irrational avoidance of people. Stuttered my way through conversations, sweated my way through classes. Group presentations I was the quiet one, but I knew that was not me. It all changed in my 2^nd year of university, when I worked my first serious job. Side note, at the time I had started to really explore my creative side with YouTube, making videos and slowly showing my face on the internet. And somehow, I began blitzing through group presentations at university. Taking control of the room, realizing if I can talk into a camera for hundreds to watch, I can present my mechanical project in front of 15 engineering students and peers.

Back to my first serious job and work, I began working as an internet technician. Long story short the job involved knocking on a customer’s apartment door, putting a device in their phone/data socket to send a signal down to the main distribution frame room. I would pick up the signal in the basement, patch their line, go upstairs and install the modem and job done. But there is a twist. You do all the technical stuff yes, and I was good at it, but between the beginning and end of the job was people. Customers you had to communicate with, call them, enter their home, initiate small talk, manage conflicts and provide solutions if a job didn’t work or didn’t go smoothly. This was a turning point in my life and where I slowly began breaking out of my shell, and it fast tracked my professionalism all while still being a young university student.

My father did not want me to work at a café or in retail, he had a hunch I’d excel in a technical trade and that it would benefit my engineering career. So he taught me everything he knew about the trade, and he was right. I came out of this job a changed man, and it taught me something extremely valuable, the art of asking why and saying no.

Asking Why

One of my bosses in my corporate job once came up to me when I had received an email from a contractor saying that they couldn’t do what we had asked for. I naively agreed with the contractor and tried passing the message on, however, my boss was not happy. He told me “Did you ask him why?”. In the moment the first thought that came to mind was why what? But then it hit me like a flashbang, why couldn’t this contractor do the task? I didn’t even know. From that point onwards, even in social situations, my favorite word became the word why. Why do you have to install this device at 8am? Why not 9am? Why can’t you change degrees if you’re not enjoying it? Why can’t you save up and travel if you feel like it? Why can’t you quit your trade and do sales? From daily work it bled into my social life and felt like a hack I never knew existed, I had always been somewhat a yes man, maybe to avoid conflict, or maybe I just didn’t know about the power of the word why. It unlocked doors for me it felt like magic. At work, I do not always get what I want, but I use the word why much more now and have increased my success tenfold. It gave my decisions and tasks more malleability. I could ask someone why, and provide alternative solutions, I felt more in control.

Saying No

You must understand that no one can force you to do anything. Disregard the time and environment, it does not matter, logically no one can force you to do anything. Our power for free will is unique and you can leverage it within reason as an introvert to set boundaries and live life on your terms. Guess what? You do not want to go to that dinner tonight; you do not have to. And I will give you a few pointers that helped me in my adult life exit the bubble of agreeableness and transcend into the person I am today. Don’t mistake me for some sort of extrovert now, but I am not the loner I used to be.

At times I would recommend exiting your comfort zone and forcing yourself out of the house, it will help you build confidence and be more social and will feel good after. Especially if it is people, you love and align with. But most importantly, do not go out of your way for others too often. If someone stops you in the middle of the shopping center trying to sell you something, you may not have it in you to walk away, I know the feeling you feel bad, it eats at you for a couple minutes. But kindly saying “Sorry I cannot right now” leaves no room for them to keep talking and that is your queue to keep walking, no matter what they say or do they will fade away in the distance.

Another extremely important concept is the art of literally abusing the word “no” until you stop feeling bad and shedding off the habit of saying yes. How many times have you found yourself in the predicament of a favor, or commitment you really do not want to do and you don’t necessarily have to do. All because in the moment you let emotion overcome you and wanted to be a hero and said yes, now you’re stuck. Especially in the workplace, you are replaceable, do not kill your life agreeing to things just to be that person if it is not your responsibility. Outside of work, do not overload yourself doing favors for others, especially if they won’t do the same for you. I don’t abide by all that turn the other cheek, let people step over you, serve the people mantra. No, put yourself first because guess what, everyone else is prioritizing themselves too. Look at how rapidly friend groups dwindle over time as you get older, I went from a whole squad of friends to a small circle, because everyone puts themselves first. Keep your family and loyal friends close and learn to say no. Do things for others when it doesn’t affect your life or commitments in return.

Introversion is a blessing and a curse. It granted me a lot of alone time to develop hobbies and skills in many different areas. I was obsessive about many things especially sports and my creative side. But the dark side of it is it did slow down my career progression due to many lost opportunities partly because of social anxiety and risk aversion. Hence why my advice may seem harsh, but it is honestly just me talking to my old self and letting you in on the conversation. Ask why as much as you can, and learn to say no. Build your skills, take risks and put yourself first. Introversion is a powerful tool in the right hands, and I hope you succeed in leveraging this superpower.

All the Best.

H