Communication is the single most powerful tool and element in relationships, friendships, and business. Miscommunication could not only make or break a relationship, but it can also cause wars between countries. That is because the human ego, our need to feel important and heard is so powerful and hard to concede. To truly develop and bond with others on a deeper level, we must listen to understand, without a hidden motive. Help others without expecting anything in return, and ironically this will make people more inclined to listen to you or help you when you eventually need it.

In general, so many of us listen to others and plan our response in our head, or our next question. I am guilty of this also; it is such a hard habit to break. Most times when people come to you to vent, they don’t really want or care about your point of view, if someone wants help or advice they will ask. In general, they want an ear, someone to hear them out. We must listen with an intent to understand and give that individual the space to open up and be vulnerable and slowly explain their feelings. If you chime in or project your views or life story to them, it will just make them close off and retreat mentally. If a friend comes to you to vent about their job, don’t tell them why your resume is stacked and how hard you worked to get there, it is irrelevant at that moment. Seek to explore their emotions and feelings and why they feel that way and they will ask for advice in their own way when ready.

I first learned of the “Emotional bank account” from Stephen Covey’s writing. The same way we keep money in our accounts saved for later. We must be kind to others by providing a listening ear, or a shoulder to rest on. Only then can we truly influence them positively and allow them to be open to advice or criticism. And this isn’t manipulative, because I am judging if you’re reading this you come from a good place. People can sense your character; human instinct is very powerful. Once we allow others to openly say what they want and we put ourselves in their shoes to understand, only then will they be comfortable to later come to you for advice or comment. This is so crucial for kids especially; old school parents love to unload their autobiographies on their kids every time a kid exclaims what’s wrong or occurring in their life. But it takes an empathetic parent, a smart parent, to put themselves in their kids’ shoes and try to understand their perspective, and slowly break the walls down to allow the kid to be open to advice. 

Its important to help others from the kindness of our heart, to develop trust and harmony in our environments. Listen to understand, don’t listen to respond. If you hone this skill in business, understand someone’s wants and views before trying to sell them something, short term it might be frustrating, but long term you will win. What is more important to you? Being right at this moment, and losing a friend, customer, or partner because of it? Or understanding that person, putting yourself in their shoes, so that they open up and treat you the same, and you have the floor to speak your mind openly in an untense space? I like the latter to be honest.

All the best

H