You know those moments of zen that just hit randomly. And in that moment, let’s say you’re looking at a beautiful shoreline, on a cold winter morning. Nothing matters in that moment. It is just you and a calm empty mind, enjoying the sunrise, and the sound of the waves crashing on the golden shore. That’s my idea of zen, I sit there in moments like this, wishing I could bottle this feeling up. That way whenever I feel stressed or down, I can open this bottled feeling and just, take a hit.

What if you could actually live like that though?

During my darkest days in the distant past, I started practicing replicating my good emotions whenever I had bad ones. So, when a bad wave of emotions came over me, I would be like okay this is what triggered it, this how I felt for this long. Next time it came around, I was aware of the tricks my mind was playing on me. Similarly, whenever I felt those serene moments of pure tranquillity in mother nature or while working out or laughing with a loved one, I slowed my breathing and took in all the information my brain could provide. The triggers, the emotion itself, the feeling in my body and stomach and chest. I guess that is my version of finding out the true power of living in the present.

I realised quite early on that attachment always ends bad. Especially when you’re so violently attached to the idea that this job, or this thing, or this person, or this place, can give you happiness. It is cliché I know; the journey is better than the destination, but it’s so true. I have reached a point where I am content with who I am just existing, I will always train, I will always find a way to make money. All that time I spent chasing this or that, I was just running away from myself. When I detached myself from the concept of things, and viewed it as an experience, I enjoyed everything hundred times over.

And that’s the dangerous thing about dwelling on the past, our mind sits there replaying our memories over and over again because it is familiar, it feels safe. But all you miss is the feeling that particular experience gave you. Truly look back without rose tinted glasses on, some of these familiar sights of “safety” felt nowhere near safe at the time. You slowly realise that this whole time it has been you experiencing you. Yes, read that again. All those feelings good or bad, was just you experiencing you. And right now, you’re experiencing yourself. I have done and said things I regret, but that is who I was at the time. If you let regrets hold you down, you’re just anchoring yourself to memories that no longer exist or matter. Don’t hold onto resentment, forgive everyone, and most importantly find it in you to forgive yourself. That is so important when breaking free, and truly moving on and unlocking a clear head space.

I remember how hard I was chasing my current career, it felt like my whole world was imploding. I was so caught up doing interviews and upskilling and writing emails and resumes. I ghosted people I cared about, I weaved in and out of excitement and anger, I worked 2-3 jobs at a time. Then when I finally got my dream job, I realised if I was the type of person who lost everything if he lost his job, who am I then truly? I want to be able to identify myself as just Houssam. Not Houssam the engineer, not Houssam the Jiu Jitsu guy, not Houssam from this place or that place, just Houssam. You won’t decrease or increase my worth by taking anything from me or giving me anything.

Once I detached from outcomes and external things, I became addicted to being myself. I stopped comparing myself or my situation to others, in fact I am eternally grateful for who I am and how blessed my life is. Detaching made meeting new people addictive; I love little things like a cup of coffee at 5am to start the day. I love walking to work and smelling the cold air. I love that feeling at training where my shoulders burn so much it feels like my arms are numb. I love putting my hands on the floor and watching blood drip from my face downwards. I love listening to my co-worker’s weekend stories. I love talking to a stranger with no second thoughts. I love these journeys and experiences. And I began feeling alive, and kind of zen all the time. We all have bad days, or bad moments. Feel them, don’t run away, feel them and acknowledge them, acknowledge you’re a human being experiencing life. Then let them go. Don’t bring work troubles home, don’t take home troubles to the gym, just don’t stress and don’t dwell on the past. Live every moment for what it is, and that way, you will perform at your best. I am not telling you I have it all figured out, but I unlocked this love myself internally, the world is my reflection. Good energy brings good energy. Remember, some of the best moments of your life haven’t happened yet, so enjoy the ride.

All the best

H