Sometimes you shake someone’s hand, not knowing it will be the last time. Or you kiss your grandmother’s hand, not knowing that was the last time. You knock on someone’s window to say something you forgot to say before leaving out the front door. You both laugh as you turn your back not knowing that is the last time you walk down that front yard. The rain sprinkles down on your head, so you close the car door slowly behind you, look up and off you go.

Other times, you do know a goodbye is final, or that a memory is being formed. You hug your adventurous travelling friend goodbye aware a reunion is years away. Or you’re conscious of this being the last time this collection of people will stand together in this beautiful weather, with the salty smell of the beach, in this gorgeous location, talking about these ordinary things. I know it is an overly unnecessarily profound outlook, but I can’t help but think these ambivalent thoughts. I am moving houses soon, and as I peer out my window at the cloudy blue sky, I look around this room and I get goosebumps. I will never be home alone writing this piece on a typical Saturday, in this grey chair, in this house, in this cool autumn weather, as this version of myself.

That’s the beauty of life, loss makes it meaningful. The knowledge of death being inevitable, the knowledge of the temporary nature of people, places and experiences. It just makes me feel sad yet alive. I look back and remember those times I felt deep stress or heartbreak, that is the most alive I have ever felt. Maybe it explains my addiction to martial arts and sports. Pain really makes my weeks eventful. I have been to places and felt me leave my old self inside. I have gone on long drives to beaches, and on the way home felt like I left myself in the water in whichever ocean shore I swam on. I have traveled and left a piece of myself in a city far away before flying back home. Everything good, everything bad, feel it and enjoy it, nothing lasts indefinitely. At this point, I always hurt myself on purpose, but I feel so alive.

All the best

Houssam

1% better every day

Houssam S